Emma and Mckenna have been fighting for the past week and a half... and I think I'm going crazy!!! They both have figured out exactly what buttons to push to make the other one mad and they have not stopped!
It started when Emma's drama camp ended. Apparently spending too much time together is not helping. I've vacillated back and forth between solving their disputes, or letting them solve it themselves. Sometimes I do a combination of both where I tell them they have to solve it in 1 minute or I'll solve it(which usually ends up with me taking away the toy they're fighting over).
Recently we've started a new rule: You can only tattle when someone is hurt or going to get hurt. So, today I was in my bathroom getting ready for church. I could hear their voices escalating and I knew I'd hear "MOMMMM!!!" pretty soon. I decided I'd let them work this one out, so when I heard them coming up, I told them they had to stay downstairs and figure it out. Ten minutes later they were still going, and they had to get ready for church, so I told them to come upstairs. Well, that started a whole new argument about who was going to follow David upstairs(so he doesn't fall). Once they were dressed and hair was done, I told them to go get in the car. Another argument ensued... When they got in the car and were supposed to be buckling their seats - another one. We had quiet time on the way to church, and when we got there and were unbuckling...can you see where I'm going with this? And every argument was worse than the previous. They had become so angry with each other that every word out of their mouths would fuel a new fight. And I was ending every argument by yelling at them.
So by the time we walked into the chapel I was fuming. (It didn't help that Ian had put my keys in some random spot last night and it took me five minutes to find them...) To make matters worse, when I was carrying David into the building I realized his weight was making my normal neck shirt become a scoop neck shirt. I adjusted it, but as soon as we sat down I realized it was going to take more than adjusting for this shirt to work. So, as soon as the sacrament was over I left, changed, drove David around to take a nap, and returned in time to teach my class.
While I was driving around I had time to think, and while I am still at a loss as to how I can help my daughters become friends, I realized that the anger and frustration I was feeling was the same anger and frustration Emma and Mckenna feel when they fight and I yell at them. I realized my cranky attitude wasn't helping them. I am just now starting to lose the agitated feeling I had all morning, but I've realized that the saying, "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" is so true. When I'm upset, I'm not helping the girls work out their problems. I'm adding more negativity to the environment which will lead the next discussion in the same direction.
So I feel like I've figured out half of the problem...but I'm going to defer to you guys for the other half. What do I do when they are in the middle of an argument? I feel like I've tried everything. I know I need to give them more positive opportunities to work together and solve problems together(thank you supernanny!) but I don't know what to do when they are both so upset. Some arguments can be worked out with just a little bit of suggestions, but there are many times where they are both in the wrong, both upset, and there really is no solution that will make everyone happy. Help!
15 comments:
I reaqd something cool that I haven't gotten to try yet. Mom is the mediator and the time keeper. Kids flip coin and whoever wins gets to talk first. They can have 3 (or 5 or whatever) minutes to talk and share their feelings and why they are upset. When the timer goes off, the other person gets to talk and the 1st person has to just LISTEN. They go back and forth with 3 minutes for each person talking until it is resolved. My oldest are almost 3 and almost 5, and I think it would work okay with them. Good luck!!!
I'm interested in hearing the solutions for this as well. Lauren and Spencer have started the button pushing fighting quarreling as well. You are absolutely right that the attitude of the mother is key. I've noticed I need to take a more active role because Spencer's verbal skills are still developing and he soon gets frustrated and resorts to hitting, pinching, and biting. I do get very tired of having to solve all the tattling problems but have not yet figured out how to help the kids differentiate those from times that require adult intervention. One thing I have decided to try is when they get into an argument and it is clear they are so frustrated it will soon come to blows and they aren't talking any more, then I will put them in opposite corners of the same room and they have to stay in their corners until they can calm down. I'll sit in the middle of the room and read a book while they cool off. ;)
I recently read this book called 1-2-3 Parenting. And you give them 3 warnings by saying "that's 1" "that's 2" and after 3, they know they are in time out. I think when they are in mood like that, you need to enforce time out or just separate them to cool down. If time out on the stairs doesn't work, then I put my kids on their beds for quiet time and set the timer. By the time that's over, they've forgotten about the fight. But if it continues throughout the afternoon, then it's naptime! Cuz that usually means they are over tired. This book says not to negotiate, not to have a "discussion" about everything. Just count to 3 and put them in time out.
And, you are right. If we yell as a response to yelling and fighting, it creates more tension. I'm so guilty of that and have to remind myself all the time.
Good luck. I know your frustration. I get stressed when my kids are like that. You are way more patient than I am! Hang in there!
I was going to say the same thing as Megan. My kids haven't gotten there yet but I assume that the same thing that worked for you (time away from the situation)
would work for them as well. Don't allow them to talk to each other for a couple minutes until they calm down. Perhaps they will realize that they enjoy each others company more than being alone. Hope something works for you.
Hey Megan! This is Tristen from your old ward!! I am so glad I found your blog today because I've been listening to the best lecture on iTunes-- go to the iTunes store, type in Scream Free Parenting, and download the two lectures from Abilene University. And then the radio shows where he speaks also are helpful. I loved his answers when parents would call about fighting kids. Parenting is SO HARD!! Not bringing out my best sides, that's for sure! Good luck!
My dad use to make Betsy and me hug for 5 minutes. I HATED it. Betsy would start tickling me or cracking jokes and I would get SO mad. So it didn't work too well. We always quite fighting about whatever started it though.
I like time out. I don't have the same parenting issues as you, though. I'd be interested to hear what those lectures said about it. And I've heard GREAT things about the Love and Logic series.
Good luck. Let us know if you find something that works really well.
Hi, Megan. I've been stalking your blog for awhile, and decided I should finally let you know. Plus, I've got an idea for you. (In case you don't know who I am, I'm Steve's wife, one of Ian's friends from Arlington.) So here's my idea. I actually got it from a friend who's kids could not stop yelling at each other. This has worked wonders for them. Ask them nicely to go finish their argument outside. Somehow, being outside has stopped them from being so worked up (plus, there's the embarrassment factor!!) Maybe they would actually be able to actually TALK instead of argue and yell. Anyway, good luck. I know how hard it can be to have siblings actually get along and love each other.
When I was a girl’s camp counselor and I had campers fighting, my co-counselor Emily and I would sing a song that we knew called “No contention.” It drove them crazy and I think got them to fight less because they didn’t want to hear us sing that song again.
Maybe when the girls are getting really agitated you could try singing a soft primary song with them, not to annoy them but to get everyone to calm down.
Separate! When it is non-stop, like that morning, they are not "allowed to play together" for whatever amount of time...all afternoon, etc. This can be very boring when they are home together, or very relaxing if tension is building. Of course, your situation would have made that impossible on Sunday morning because they had places to go and things to get done. In that case, they have to be totally silent unless it's something nice. This is obviously extreme, but it's for cases like this where they need to realize that life is not fun at all when they don't have their sister to play with or talk to. (And again, sometimes an enforced break from each other will be nice for them.) Good luck.
Bree doesn't have siblings but when she plays with friends she is pretty good. Once in a while I have to stop and talk with her about being nice. I tell her she won't be able to play with friends if she isn't a nice girl. When they realize how lucky they are to have a buil-in play mate it might get better.
Timmy and Allen are currently having an issue like this. My greatest weapon has been Tabasco sauce and soap. (I know it sounds mean, but I use the most miniscule amount on just the very tip of their tongue). So, if they are calling each other names I give them one warning, "You are both going to get hot sauce." Then if they don't stop then I put some hot sauce on their tongue and set them on time out. It really only takes a couple of times of that and they stop after the warning. Also, in the car if they're arguing then I'll have them be on "time-out" from talking until the song on the radio is over or until we get to a certain destination. We also moved their seats in the car so they never sit next to each other for the time being. If it's really bad in the car then I'll threaten them with soap or lotion on their tongue. Only one time I had to actually pull over and enforce this. (Again, just a little tiniest dab to barely taste the lotion, since that's what I carry in the car and not hot sauce or soap). It works great because now I only have to give them warnings and they stop because they know I will seriously put those nasty things on their tongue if they are loud and calling each other names. WE also separate them into different areas in the house when they're fighting or make them play outside.
Well, I'm sorry to say this but I have no good advice. And you have been a mom longer than I have so you know more than I do. I read your blog and I get ideas about what to do with my kids and how to have more patience! But if you ever want the girl to come over and play they are always welcome, Shea would LOVE it!
So sorry they are fighting like crazy. B & T have been doing that also. I hope you figure out a good solution before you lose your mind! ;)
Wow, I haven't checked your blog in a while...now I'm all caught up though. Yes, we DO have the same swim suit...don't you love it??? Very cute, so worth the price! (I heart Target)
I wish I had some wonderful advice for you on the girls...but I don't, none, the brain is totally blank. I'll let you know when I come across some good advice though.
Hi Meggers,
I've finally been reading your blog also. Its wonderful and it makes me feel close to you guys again even though i can't see you.
All the ideas about the girls fighting should be able to help you, some of the ideas were awesome, i can see why a blog would be useful.
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